A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
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You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
girls literally only want one thing..
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment