*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Every time my phone rings
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad