I hope this email punches you square in the face
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.