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“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Who says great literature is dead?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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Me: Same.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Does this dress make me look cat?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.