Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
The Joker was right
why isn’t he texting back
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
How times have changed.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Whoa… oh I see lol