Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
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As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos