When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
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bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.