[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
LOL!
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now