50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
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[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom