people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Introverted vegans go meetless
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Start the year as you intend to continue.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.