If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Found my door mat
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.