I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon