After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Saint West, the patron of selfies
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.