I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
happy friday
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.