How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.