8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
You Might Also Like
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles