I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
can’t believe I got front row seats
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect