“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
You Might Also Like
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Muppet Screams
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I don’t know what to do
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
The opposite of goth is stopth.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”