[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
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I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
What the hell happened here.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Pizza is an emotion right?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
the simulation is moving too fast
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?