Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
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my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
When he asks for feet pics
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.