[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
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I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
did it work
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win