I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
You Might Also Like
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Goodnight 🐶
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep