If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My time has come.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.