A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
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‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.