every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
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My work here is don’t.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”