God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
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Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
bugs when you lift up a rock
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
New comic up. “Ransom”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
San Francisco has too many rules