My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
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Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.