#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
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Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Gemma Correll
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.