Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
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Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
me, too, girl. me, too.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Breaking news:
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.