They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine