Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.