I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
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Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.