Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will