Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
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My plans: 2020:
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.