“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel