[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
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I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.