What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
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“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy