Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
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[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
The three genders
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.