What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
courtroom exchange of the day
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?