Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
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Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
This is the one
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
wow
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.