Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.