Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK