If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
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[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Lucky old June.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry