Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
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Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Put the is in disheveled
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off