Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
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Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.