Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
You Might Also Like
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
the last thing a carrot sees
Never ghost your hitman.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.