If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
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A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
We’ve come full circle
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I bet