In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
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The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Have a lovely day 😊
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”