[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
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me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”