Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
How it started: How it’s going:
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones